"A cheerful heart is good medicine"
(Proverbs 17:22a)
THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY:
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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WHY ASK WHY?:
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Could there be an imaginary world with no hypothetical stuations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If buttered toast always lands butter side down, and a cat always lands on its feet,
what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast
to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say,"Open here."
What is the protocol if the package says,"Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of an airplane?
If fire-fighters fight fires and crime-fighters fight crime,
what do freedom-fighters fight?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
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IF YOU ARE A GEORGE CARLIN FAN, ENJOY!!!!!:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in...
what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist
but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models
deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older;
then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final
exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we
supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps
so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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Irish Humor:
Paddy was driving down the street looking for a parking space in a sweat
because he had an important meeting that he was about to be late for.
Looking up to Heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life
and give up me Irish Whiskey." Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up to Heaven again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Who's on First (Computer Version)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say,
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers.
OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business.
Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping,
you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not; they own it.
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